Addiction Question and
Answer
Q. I am 35 years old, mother of 2,
stepmom to 2 small children. I attend college, majoring in
Counseling Psych and Elementary Eucation. I am an honor
student. Guess what I'm trying to say, is that I am a
responsible adult and take my responsibilities seriously and
competently. My problem? I believe I am addicted to
marijuana, and I'm worried about it affecting my career plans
of being a teacher and school counselor if I was ever
discovered. I know that marijuana is supposedly
non-addictive, but I find myself becoming agitated if it is
not accessible to me, and I crave the relief it gives me from
stress. Since I am coping well even with using it, ie:
keeping up my grades, responsibilities, etc. am I really
harming myself? or is this relief helping me to cope with the
many, many, many stresses in my life? Do you have suggestions
for helping me quit? My husband gets high very often, and
doing this together is actually quality time for us, and we
have some wonderful discussions. Am I really doing harm to my
body? So many questions. Thanks for your confidential
response. This is not something I could talk about to anyone
else. I do not drink or do other drugs, nor do I smoke. I
thought my personality was one that I didn't become addicted,
as this is the first substance I've had a hard time quitting.
Don't know that I really want to, but I don't want to ruin my
career either. Thanks.
A. Thanks for writing. I think you
are right to be concerned about your marijuana use. It is not
addictive in the medical sense of developing tolerance or
withdrawal. However, it certainly can be habit forming. I
don't think the physical addiction is the key element anyway,
with any drug. The problem develops when people use drugs to
temporarily relieve upset feelings, like stress, anger,
frustration and so on. Marijuana may not be as harmful as
some drugs, but it is insidious in that it's harmful effects
are subtle. For one, it stays in your body for a long time,
so it is affecting you even when you are not high. It also
tends to reduce motivation. The "quality time" and wonderful
discussions are probably an illusion. When you are high,
things seem quite profound when they really aren't. I think
being high is keeping you from really communicating with your
husband. Using marijuana communicates a message to your
children that you may not want. It is also keeping you from
finding other ways of handling the pressures in your life
without getting needlessly stressed out about them. There are
also serious health risks associated with smoking. Finally,
but not least, it is illegal and could go on your record if
you get caught, which could keep you from pursuing your
career goals in psychology or education. You might want to
read the section on addictive behavior at my site and do some
of the self-help exercises, as well as the part about
overcoming stress and anxiety. You might also want to
consider attending a SMART Recovery meeting. SMART is a free
self-help group for addictive behaviors with over 225 groups
nationally. To find a local group, call 216/292-0220. The
SMART program focuses on enhancing motivation to quit,
recognizing and resisting urges, learning emotional
management skills and developing a healthy, balanced
lifestyle.
Q. I am quitting smoking during a
stressful time in my life. I am exercising a lot to take the
edge off and it's mostly working. What else do you recommend?
Thanks
A. Congratulations on your decision to quit smoking!
Exercise will help a lot. You might also check out the
section on
addictive behavior at my site. There are a number of
specific techniques that might be useful. For example, there
are a bunch of methods for recognizing and resisting urges.
You can also review the payoffs for smoking and quitting. I
think you will find that the short term payoffs favor smoking
because it produces almost instant gratification. However,
the long term payoffs favor quitting, not the least of which
is better health. By the way, you mentioned a "stressful
time". I certainly understand what you mean, but I find it
helpful to make a distinction between pressure, which is what
is happening to you, and stress, which is how you react to
what is happening to you. In those terms, you have a lot of
pressure in your life now. Fortunately, you don't have to get
stressed about those pressures. That is important, because
smoking provides an intense (but temporary and expensive)
relaxation response. Learning some new ways of handling
pressure without stressing yourself will help you quit
smoking and stay away from it (see the anxiety and stress
section of my site). Thanks for writing and take care.
Q. I suppose it's an ironic question to
ask a psychologist on the Internet, but do you think that it
is possible to be addicted to the Internet? Perhaps being a
compulsive user is a better phrase. In any event, in the
course of the day I am on the Internet for no less than eight
hours, in the chat rooms, on the bulletin boards, reading and
writing e-mail and general surfing.. I have lost sleep,
weight, friends and am in the process of losing my
significant other over my computer time. I have met people
from on-line for less than honorable purposes, which is
something I would have never done in real life. I do
regularly see a therapist but he admits he doesn't understand
the Internet.
A. Thanks for writing with a very
good question. I concur with you about calling it compulsive
use rather than addiction because there is obviously no
addiction in the physiological sense. Actually, even
substance abuse is a lot more than just the physical
addiction. After withdrawal, one is no longer physiologically
addicted, so why do people go back to using? You bring up
another good point, that many "addictions" don't involve
chemical substances, like sex, gambling and nowadays, the
internet. Getting back to your question, yes, I do think
internet use can become compulsive overuse. I think the key
would be if it is compulsive, in other words if it is
difficult to stop, and if it causes emotional distress and/or
life difficulties. If you don't get on the internet, how do
you feel? I would imagine, anxious and frustrated. Of course,
I can't diagnose anything without more information, but just
from what you have said, it certainly sounds likely that it
is a problem for you. What you might want to examine is your
emotional reasons behind the behavior. Are you escaping from
frustrations in your life? Does it relieve anxiety, stress or
depression? Are you angry at your significant other about
your use? Does the anononymity of the internet reduce
feelings of inhibition, guilt or shyness? You might want to
check out the addictive behavior section of my site for more
information and specific self-management techniques. It might
also be wise to "shop around" for a therapist that can help
you with this problem. See the section on finding a therapist
at my site. If you are interested, I would be willing to try
working with you through the internet, as long as you
understand that this is somewhat experimental considering how
new the medium is. Let me know how it goes and take care.
Q. 23 years drunk, 70 days sober thanks
to AA. What could you say?
A. I say good for you! In SMART, we are not
opposed to AA, just to the idea that AA is for everyone and
that nothing else can help. If it works for you, that is the
most important thing. We have many members who go to AA and
SMART. Keep up the good work!
Q. Is there a s.m.a.r.t. manual that
suggests topics for group meetings? If so how much does it
cost and where can I order it from. thank you.
A. Yes, there is a member's manual
and a coordinator's manual with this kind of information.
They are inexpensive (less than $10) because they have been
partially funded by a grant. You can get the details and
order them from SMART headquarters at SRMail1@aol.com. There
is also a primer that is quite good. Also, check out the
SMART web site at http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/mike888.
Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SOMEONE IS A
PATHLOGICAL LIAR? WHAT ARE SOME WAYS TO HELP A PATHOLOGICAL
LIAR STOP?
A. Good question. I suppose the main
thing is if the person lies frequently and when it isn't
really necessary. Anyone might lie to get out of a spot or
avoid unpleasantness, but it they lie when there is no
advantage, it has probably gotten to be a habit. Actually,
pathological lying is not in of itself a diagnosable
disorder. It is usually a sign of a character or personality
disorder, such as antisocial or psychopathic, histrionic, or
borderline personality disorders. Your second question is a
tough one. These kinds of patterns of behavior are hard to
get people to change because they sort of work and there is
often not much motivation to change. Therefore, the first
step would be to help the person establish some motivation.
You might check out the addictive behavior section of my site
for some specific suggestions. Also, you might want to
examine your own relationship with this person. Are you
inadvertently contributing to or "enabling" this behavior?
Often by putting up with it, we give the implicit message
that it is all right, even if you verbally say you don't like
it. Hope this helped and thanks for writing.
Q. I lose weight and gain it back over a
period of time. I can lose but unable to maintain weight
these are 30 or 40lbs. gains. I am 58 yr. old male and have
no problem to stop smoking and driking of alcohol. I do not
have to deal with stress and I do not get depressed as far as
I know.I have had congetive heart failure that nearly cost me
my life and I still have problems keeping weight down. I am
now losing and down to 160 lbs. I trying to maintain around
150 lbs. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. Why do I continue to gain
weight? I know what will happen with the excess weight gain.
WHY?? can I not maintain weight.
A. Thanks for your question and
sorry it has taken so long to get back with you from the
volume of mail I get. There may be several reasons why you
are having trouble keeping weight off. One may simply be your
genetics. That doesn't mean you can't, but it just might be
quite difficult for you. The other thing to consider is that
you may have a dieting approach to weight loss. I mean you
might just think of it as a temporary thing, then just go
back to old habits of eating and living. It is usually better
to change your whole relationship with food and your
lifestyle rather than dieting. That would include things like
regular exercise, changing what you eat and so on. I gather
from what you are saying that you don't think your eating is
"self-medication" for stress, but the third possibility is
that there may be some emotional purposes for eating that you
may or may not be aware of. If those aren't corrected, you
will be likely to go back to overeating after a period of
sustained effort. Check out the book, "The Art of Rational
Eating" by Albert Ellis referenced in the suggested readings.
You might also look at the addictive behavior section of my
site, like the suggestions on recognizing and resisting
urges. The more you can learn about how to manage your
emotions and behavior, the more likely you are to lick this
problem (no pun intended). Hope this helped and thanks again
for writing.
Q. My daughters husband has been told he
is addicted to sex and does not think he is. He watches sex
vedios and then expects his wife to do what he has just seen
on the vedio. My daughter is currently in thrarapy. She was
also sexually as a child and find these sex additudes
offensive. She has agreed to his demands because she sayes
she loves him and he is a good person except for this. He
will not admit that he has a problem and that he has talked
to other women and they don't see he has a problem. My
daughter has decided to devorce her husband because if he
does not get what he wants sexually he become very abusive
verbally and this has taken away most of her self worth. I
would like you to coment on sex as and addition and what the
treament is.
A. There is no simple answer to your
question. Almost any behavior can become compulsive or
addictive, although obviously sex is not literally addictive,
like a drug. The physical concept of addiction is that the
person develops tolerance (takes more to get the same effect)
to the drug and experiences withdrawal symptoms (hangover).
The thing is that even with drugs or alcohol, the physical
aspect is usually not the only issue. So in that sense, sex
can become an addictive behavior. The other complication is
that there are a broad range of sexual behaviors that can be
considered non-pathological. Your son-in-law may just have a
strong sex drive and interest than your daughter, for
example. What would make his behavior pathological is if it
is associated with a lot of anxiety or guilt, if he gets
anxious when he doesn't have sex, if he uses it primarily to
reduce tension and/or if it is causing problems for him in
his life. Regardless of whether it is pathological, however,
it is obviously a problem in their marriage. His verbal
abusiveness certainly seems to be another real problem in the
marriage, as is her letting him get her down so much. It
might be helpful for your daughter to learn how to not base
her sense of worth on other's opinions or on being loved.
Once she develops unconditional self-acceptance (USA), she
might be better able to negotiate with him about this and
other differences. One piece of advice I do give couples
going through serious marital problems is to be patient and
take the time to resolve their differences in a reasonably
healthy way. Part of that may be for her husband to examine
his own motives for his sexual interests. Should he
acknowledge he has a problem, there are various kinds of
treatments. You might want to look at the "finding a
therapist" section of my site. Also look at the addiction
section, which describes SMART Recovery, a free self-help
group for addictive behaviors which is not based on the
twelve step method. There are also twelve step groups for
sexual addictions. Hope this helped and thanks again.
Q. I just found your SMART page on the
internet and am very impressed. I especially like your
sections on enhancing motivation and reality checks.
Thanks. A lot of the material is from the
SMART brochure and workbook, which are available through the
national SMART office. The "Reality Check" is my invention,
based on REBT, of course. Check out the other SMART Recovery
sites I list for further information. Also, you may want to
explore the rest of my CyberPsychologist site for various
self-help methods that are useful in overcoming addictive
behaviors. Thanks again.
Q #6. I have been in recovery now for
three years and even though I am doing well, I still feel I
need someone to talk to and need the encouragement I get from
going to AA. Does SMART Recovery provide that kind of
support?
Just a comment about the "need" for someone
to talk to and encouragment. It is certainly helpful, but it
might be dangerous to think you need it. One of the strongest
messages of Smart Recovery is that we are not so darn
powerless over our addictions. The more you think you need
this or that to quit, the harder you make it on yourself.
Millions of people have quit without going to any group or
counseling. Research on addiction suggests that more people
quit by quitting than by any program. Most of these say they
simply decided to quit. I read a neat article recently by a
guy who said he discovered a one step program - he just quit.
It can be done without support or encouragement or groups or
therapy or anything, although, again, all these might be
beneficial. Any group will provide a certain amount of
support, but support is not the main ingredient in SMART.
Rather, it is a study group to help people learn how to
develop internalized, self-management skills. The goal is to
get participants to "graduate" and be recovered, that
is, an ex-drinker, not an alcoholic in lifelong recovery.
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